Lil Kim heard male rappers drooling over womankind in their lyrics and gave them a taste of their own medicine, out-filthing them at every turn. Okay yeah, maybe ‘Stacy’s Mom’ was the sexiest music video of all time. It starts with the mega-toned R&B singer licking his lips and ends with him almost-but-not quite showing his bits. This soulful slow-jam was accompanied by literally the sexiest music video ever made. Come to think of it, that could have been written by my pet hamster Maurice, because that little guy just loves to be fussed over. While we’re on choice lines, how about some lyrics from this cool 2002 R&B slowjam? “Work the middle / Change positions / Do positions… Stroke it for me / Stroke it for me”. Want to hear the most Rihanna lyric ever? “Sex with me’s so amazing / But it’s all work, no vacation.” That is the most Rihanna lyric ever, and you and your consequently red-hot sex life are welcome. Either way, it’s about not spunking yourserlf silly “until you want to cum”. Rumour had it that the BBC blacklisted the song because of its rude lyrics, though this has been disputed. Pretty racy for 1944, eh? Frankie Goes To Hollywood, ‘Relax’ One of the world’s all-timer great vocalists, jazz legend Billie Holiday here conveys her aching desire to get jiggy with it, begging her lover man to “make love to me”. Billie Holiday, ‘Lover Man (Oh Where Can You Be?)’ Gainsbourg’s reply: “‘Thank goodness it wasn’t, otherwise I hope it would have been a long-playing record”. Originally recorded with Gainsbourg’s then-lover Brigitte Bardot, it was later re-recorded with another of his lovers, Jane Birkin, who sounds so hot and flustered that there was a rumour they’d actually done the nasty during record. Like ‘Let’s Get It On’, this song has become almost comically sexy after years of being associated with love time. Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin, ‘Je t’aime… moi non plus’ Ever the canny marketer, Madonna was sure to make the most of its saucy overtones. The lyrics to this shimmering slice of 80s pop are actually super sweet and sensitive, exploring the idea of loving as if it’s your first time. It’s the best way to make your bedroom feel like an all-singing, all-dancing episode of blinging disco-era Netflix musical The Get Down. This banging disco track – confusingly – manages to be classy (the tinkling piano) and filthy (Summer’s eyebrow-raising moans) all at the same time. The two is a pair of balls and the one is a foof… I t hink.
Look, I’m no expert – I’m not very good with numbers and got a D in GCSE Maths – but it seems that this song might be about shagging someone for the first time.
Female masturbation is a bit like Miles Kane’s solo career: everyone knows it happens but no-one ever talks about it.
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